By Jean-Gracia Étienne, cicm

General Councilor

Listening in interpersonal relationships

Listening is something fundamental in all interpersonal relationships and also in the human-divine relationship. Indeed, in the Bible, God speaks to His people and never ceases to ask them to listen. He reveals to them that through listening, they will know happiness (cf. Deut. 4:1). Thus, the first of the commandments is the Shema Israel that every Jewish parent teaches to his children from generation to generation (cf. Deut. 6:4). Therefore, we can say that listening is the key to good mutual understanding and that listening and entering into oneself brings life.[1]  There are, however, many ways to listen to others. But it seems to us that listening with empathy is more appropriate in the context of the current crisis with its disastrous consequences on individuals’ lives.

Listening as a fraternal service

Listening is a precious gift that we can offer to others, especially in this time of crisis. We do not need much literature to show us that we live in incredibly difficult times with a future that has become more and more uncertain. The majority of the world’s population is finding it increasingly difficult to meet its basic needs. Even affluent people also face different types of difficulties, though they do not have to strive to obtain basic necessities. We are in direct or indirect contact with most of these categories of people who need to be listened to attentively; hence the urgency of making listening a fraternal service as well.

Adverse effects of non-listening

There is no doubt that there are people who have suffered painfully from non-listening in humanity's history. This situation is mentioned several times in the Bible. Take, for example, the character of Job, who in his torment cried out: “O that I had one to hear me”! (Jb. 31:35). Job also cried out: “Listen carefully to my speech and let this be your way of consolation. Bear with me that I may speak; then after I have spoken, you may mock me” (Jb. 21:2-3). Unfortunately, we can see that listening is becoming very superficial and rare amidst the current world’s turmoil. Several factors can explain this situation. First, our world is overwhelmed by the superfluity of speech on TV, radio, social networks, etc. Second, due to the virtual nature of communication with other people on the other side of the world, people devote less and less time to those close to them. Finally, people have become ever “dependent” on their electronic devices and are preoccupied with other concerns.

In light of this, it is more important than ever to train ourselves to listen so as to counteract the many causes of non-listening and make understanding more effective in relationships. There is much to be said about listening as a vital capacity in all human and human-divine relationships. Since, in this sharing, we want to focus on listening with empathy, we must seek to understand empathy better as an innate and natural capacity rooted in the depths of our human identity. [2]

What we mean by empathy

The concept of empathy has been defined in different ways. However, a consensus is emerging around certain fundamental elements related to this term, facilitating the emergence of specific definitions. We will limit ourselves here to two.  The First of all, “empathy today refers to the ability to put oneself in the place of the other person in order to understand what he or she is experiencing”.[3] Moreover, according to the French dictionary Micro-Robert, empathy is “the ability to identify with others, to feel what they feel”. From these two brief related definitions, we can say that empathy implies an opening to the other while seeking to grasp what the others feel, see, or live in a given situation.

To better play this role, we need to forget about ourselves and care for each other in order to create constructive communication and meaningful relationships. Often our listening skills are relatively weak. We do not pay enough attention to the verbal and non-verbal messages that the other person conveys to us. Sometimes non-verbal messages, such as facial expressions, voice tones, body gestures, can be more expressive than words. [4]

Evolution in the understanding of empathy

The term empathy, as we understand it today, is not new. It is a philosophical concept that has been the subject of sustained reflection for more than a century. It has been the object of research and reflection by thinkers, from experts in psychology and neurology to sages, saints, and healers.[5] The concept “empathy” has become an inescapable concept today when we talk about interpersonal relationships. Indeed, it should be noted that “on the modern path of listening training, we encounter the rich and promising notion of empathy. Thanks to Carl ROGERS, listening has become central to human relationships. We can only listen to others by being able to focus on them”.[6] Nowadays, one of the approaches to helping people that emphasize active listening as the practical basis of a helping relationship is counseling, in its various forms and procedures. However, each individual is also called upon to practice listening daily.

Talk to me, I'm listening [7]

This cordial invitation is the title of a work in Italian. It could well express the availability of the person who is about to listen. At the same time, it is an invitation to the other to open up to dialogue. In a dialogue, it is essential to know how to distinguish between listening and hearing but also clarify the relationship between these two notions. Moreover, it is necessary to know the requirements that must be met to ensure good listening conditions. Therefore, it is essential not to confuse empathy with other human feelings, which are also very important in interpersonal relationships, such as sympathy, understanding, and the phenomenon of emotional contagion.

From this perspective, it is not possible to sympathize with someone you do not love, but it is possible to empathize with them. Thus, empathy is cultivated; it is, above all, a way of being. As religious missionaries, we must also develop a religious practice of empathy, called empathy in faith.

What is empathy in faith?

Empathy in faith is a believer’s way of practicing empathy. It is a way of living faith, hope, and love through concrete gestures, especially towards people who may need help to overcome difficulties in their lives. We must allow ourselves to be guided on this path by the Holy Spirit, who is the power and strength of God and who also reveals himself as an impetus for action.

We must not limit ourselves to illuminating the mind with our wisdom and exciting others' hearts with feelings of love, hope, and joy. The Spirit also moves us to transform enlightenment and love into action and effective work.[8] Empathy in faith can also be seen as an effective way to help us overcome the limitations and pitfalls of empathy, such as simulation, projection, assimilation, etc., by setting love its driving force.

Let’s cultivate more empathy

We hope that these few lines will be an encouragement for us to seek a better understanding of empathy as an innate attitude that allows us to understand better and feel, even if only partially, the emotions and suffering of others. Moreover, we hope that these lines can help us practice empathy more consciously in our daily interpersonal relationships, in our pastoral approaches, and in the many different forms of the accompaniment wherein, people must always be at the center of any helping relationship. A good practice is learned and cultivated through training while keeping a certain balance.

It should also be remembered that in the practice of listening with empathy, “the golden mean is to resonate with the other, not to merge, which leads to confusion”.[9] Also, we must not forget this principle known and accepted by all: “Man is a mystery, an authentic mystery”. This means that a person is more than the body he possesses, his occupations, the social position he occupies, what he owns, etc. All these qualities are only some of the aspects through which he expresses himself.

To complete these few elements, we can also say that, in a Christian context, the person is a body, mind, spirit, image, and child of God. Thus, the person is revealed as a unique being, conscious, responsible, free, and capable of loving. We must also keep in mind that each person has his or her history and particularity. By taking these aspects into account, we can better relate and walk with a person under the Spirit's guidance. The prudence of the Spirit will allow us to respond to the concerns of our fellows. This capability for empathy can lead us to genuine encounters. Guided by the Holy Spirit, let us dare to take one more step each day towards this culture of encounter.

During these last weeks and even last months, we have all been witnesses to a resurgence of racism and its concomitant violence. And this phenomenon does not concern only the United States. Apparently, for some people, to accept differences is not possible. However, something is obvious: we are all different and sometimes very different in a wide variety of areas. Twins can be less different from the physical point of view. And yet, each one will follow his or her own path and will build his or her life in his or her own way, possibly with a partner chosen by him or her and not with her twin brother or his twin sister.

It's no different in CICM: we're all different from each other. It is said that in Scheut, one can find a specimen of each species. It is with all these differences, that we must live together or, in order to better express it and in a more positive way, that we can live together.

We often find in our environment, both far and near, that differences can lead to disputes. We don’t have to go far away to witness it. Households sometimes suffer from it. Business relations are sometimes put under pressure because of differences among people. Religious communities are not spared from this predicament. We know all very well that living with others, and therefore with people different from us, is not always obvious, whether in religious communities or in families. And yet we easily say, "It wouldn't be a good thing if we were all alike: life would be too monotonous." Is a bouquet of flowers of the same variety and color the most beautiful or the contrary? Even on this point, opinions are different.

Variety, which involves differences, is therefore not always a source of harmony. To achieve this, we need some practice and exert some effort. Just as each member of an orchestra must train very hard in order to ensure that all instruments merge into one unit while preserving his or her own timbre and his or her specific place in the whole ensemble. Sometimes, one has to disappear. Who was not witness of this reality and who did not experience it in his own life?

Living and, above all, living together means living with differences. This should not always lead to disputes, because these conflicts often involve only what is superficial. For one, it’s the skin while for another, it’s the shell. It is rare for the core to be the source of the dispute. It is precisely this core that can help us to transcend differences and to recognize variety as an enriching experience.

What about the core? In my own opinion, for all of us CICM, the core consists in our faith in Jesus Christ and in our free commitment to follow him together in his redeeming mission. We are neither committed for our own business nor for our own profit. 

It is rather a common commitment. The very first article of our constitutions already says it: “The Congregation is an international religious missionary Institute. It was founded by Theophile Verbist and is dedicated to the Incarnate Word, under the name and patronage of the Immaculate Heart of Mary. (Const. Art.1)” By our commitment to the Institute, each of us becomes aware of this international character: it is the cornerstone of our CICM identity.

At the moment, we are around 800 confreres in our Congregation. It means 800 different people, each with his specific character and qualities. It is not possible to provide a list of the elements that make us different within our Congregation, within our Province and within our small or large communities. Generally, we did not create these differences ourselves. We have inherited many differences from our history. My experiences are never someone else's. My way of dealing with pleasant and unpleasant experiences is original and it is never the same as the way it is dealt with by somebody else. It makes me unique compared with another. It should be a reassuring experience.  I don't have to be like the other. I can and I have the right to be myself. Conversely, the other should not be my double. There is no uniform model of being a CICM missionary.

The reality of the rich history of our Congregation shows that the skins or shells are all very different. We have a wide variety, a mosaic of presences among people of very different cultures. Thanks to this diversity, the Congregation grew up and our deepest aspiration is that it can continue to grow in the future. We must not only accept these differences, diversity and variety, and to learn how to live with them. We must exert more effort to build and live a committed and fruitful missionary life with other confreres, even if a good number of us are perhaps more advanced in age. This major challenge for each of us will remain fundamental within our small or large community, within our Province and certainly within our Congregation. This is perhaps the greatest challenge for the future of our Congregation.

A temptation may arise: to use the fact that we are all unique to carry out our own project or to justify our mistakes and possible shortcomings. Unfortunately, this also happens. By doing so, we hide, we avoid questioning ourselves. We make little effort to recognize this problem, to accept its consequences, to work to solve it and thus to live in a new and more coherent way.

Some of us may say, "You have to understand, he’s like that." Perhaps it helps others to accept us as we are and to make it possible to "live together" with us; but let us not allow this to be an excuse that justifies everything. When I focus on my being different from the others, turning it into an ideology and using it as an argument to make excuses, I bring little added value to the community, whether big or small, far　from it. You could only say that it is human. It becomes very difficult when I want to be the determining standard for judging or evaluating others. The other should not be the clone of myself, and my personality should not be a normative part of my view of others.

To interact with people, with confreres from different backgrounds and cultures allows us to learn how to discover the world, and how to live in it. It is always interesting to see that the world is neither limited to the recreation hall nor to our house, nor to our convent for example.

We can also develop useful qualities such as the tolerance, the respect for others, the recognition of the dignity of others and the openness of mind. The difference is an incredible wealth. It is enough to accept others, and to show them that I too deserve to be accepted because my culture is as interesting as others’.

I would like to repeat a small part of the homily I delivered at the end of my canonical visit to AIFC in the Philippines in 2018.

"Of course, a great challenge for each of us is the multicultural life, not only in the formation houses, but also in the mission. We are experiencing it in our daily lives also here at the AIFC. Each of us has his own culture, even if we come from the same country! I was born into a farming family. I had a very clear experience from the beginning that confreres living in town had a culture, a way of acting and thinking that were different from mine.

My humble experience has taught me that:

• first of all, we must tolerate that other people's cultures are or may be different!

• But this is not enough. We must accept that the other peoples’ cultures are or may be different.

• But more than accepting, we must appreciate the cultures of others. Life and collaboration in a multicultural spirit are not possible if we cannot appreciate the culture of those with whom we are sharing our life and work.

• But appreciating the culture of others is not enough; we also need to learn from other peoples' culture! We can all learn from each other! The culture of others can teach us something, but for that we must be open to this possibility, because we are certainly not better than others. Some of you have clearly said to me that other people's culture has helped them to learn many things, even about themselves!”

We have a common commitment: to live together with our diversity. The rest is just the skin. Even if the skin is different, the nutritious part is there. It’s under the skin!

Dear confreres, in all our houses and communities, and even on our liturgical garments we find our motto: "Cor unum et anima una." Let us pray and strive above all so that this motto does not become just empty words!